For The Life You Could've Had
by LethanWolf
Summary: 'I don't think that would have worked anyway,' Ichigo said shaking his head, 'I don't think I like the idea of a pretty ghost spying on me when I don't know she's there.' 'I could have left you creepy messages on your bathroom mirror,' Rukia chuckled. {Ichigo dies & goes to the Soul Society, where Rukia has been waiting for him.}


**This is my FIRST EVER IchiRuki fan fiction (please be kind to me ;.;) I mostly write HitsuRuki and HitsuMatsu and some Yaoi pairings too... still I had to throw Toshiro in here some way or another! **

**PLEASE NOTE: I took a LOT of creative liberty with Bleach... basically I've changed everything that happened from when Rukia disappeared from Ichigo's view onward. Just be pre-warned!**

**Also if you prefer to read SMUT (I removed it from this version, the full version can be found on Ao3 Under the same username as on here).**

**Please enjoy...**

Rukia bounced her leg nervously in her seat. Her eyes had been stuck on the same line of text for well over six minutes now… not that she was counting.

Seven minutes.

Rukia dragged a long breath in through her mouth, held it for a few seconds before letting it disperse. The office air was starting to feel stuffy and suffocating, despite the window she kept constantly open. Early morning light flitted through the glass and filtered over the paperwork that littered her desk. Despite the beauty of the scene, it wasn't enough to distract her racing mind.

Rukia's leg stopped bouncing for a second as she glanced up at her office door. She wasn't sure how long all the formalities would take, she was unsure if he'd even come and see her… after all it had been so long.

Ichigo had finally come to join the Soul Society. Though the entire Seireitei were expecting him and had been eagerly awaiting his arrival for many years, Rukia had found herself wishing the opposite. It complicated matters.

When she'd been in the world of the living, things had been as easy as breathing. The high end missions spent training and coaching Ichigo to the lazy days where he'd show her what it meant to be human. It had all been too easy, like breathing, it felt natural, it felt _right_.

Rukia hadn't realised that Ichigo had been taking her on dates until she'd spoken to Rangiku and Nanao about the time she'd spent with him. But the late night movie trips, the meals, the hand holding apparently were a boy's way of saying he was interested.

She'd been completely oblivious of course. Rukia had about as much dating experience as a left sock. In fact even a sock had more dating experience given that it at least got filled- the point was… Rukia hadn't noticed until it was gone.

When Ichigo lost his powers, Rukia had been devastated. She'd held it together in front of his friends, but as soon as his eyes glazed over and he could no longer see her, Rukia could feel her heart physically breaking inside her chest. Whether their relationship be platonic or something more, no one could deny the effect he'd had on her life.

Rukia had fallen into a state of depression. Staying in bed longer, finding day to day tasks more challenging and only when her brother expressed his concerns did she pull herself together. Rukia couldn't run the risk of losing her Lieutenant position because of a broken heart. It would put a dent in her ultimate goal of wanting to become a Captain and take over the division that Captain Ukitake had come to love so much.

Rukia idly played with her ink brush, her eyes glossing over the same sentence in the paperwork as she contemplated. She could have put a Gigai on and went to visit him, but it just felt wrong. It felt wrong to interfere with his life.

According to reports, he'd never gotten married, never settled down or had any children. Rukia still didn't want to be in his life and cause him confusion and the longer she left it the more awful it felt if she decided to change her mind.

So she'd made the decision to stay out of the rest of his life, until of course this day when the Seireitei had found out they were expecting him, several decades earlier than they'd anticipated.

Rukia had heard the news in the early hours when spending time talking with Rangiku and Nanao who had fast become her best girlfriends. She'd excused herself the moment the news was transferred to her via a hell butterfly and made her way back to her own living quarters.

Now she wasn't sure where Ichigo was… what he was going through, what was expected of him, why he was here so early. Rukia had no answers to any of it and it was the reason she was so restless.

Her leg continued to bounce again and her eyes flitted across the door, familiar reiatsu could be felt on the other side of it, but it was Ichigo's.

'Come in,' Rukia said before he even had a chance to knock. There was a chuckle and the door opened to reveal Captain Hitsugaya. The cold prickle of his reiatsu mingled with hers and she felt like a calming wave was washing over her.

'I thought I'd come and check on you,' the Captain said and he stepped inside and shut the door. Rukia smiled at him from where she sat. Friendship with Rangiku Matsumoto seemed to go hand in hand with her Captain and Rukia hadn't minded. His advice on the Captaincy role was just as efficient as her brothers had been.

Captain Hitsugaya had grown, filled out since achieving his mature bankai. Daylight gave him a more youthful appearance though, except the little frown of concern etched on his face as he studied her.

'Are you alright?' he asked and Rukia realised she hadn't greeted him yet.

'Yes,' she lied smoothly and watched the side of his lips tick. The two had grown much closer after Ukitake's passing.

'That's a lie Kuchiki,' Captain Hitsugaya stated and Rukia took a deep breath, her shaking hand clutching the brush a little tighter. She transferred it back into the ink pot, feeling her stomach contort in a horrible way.

'No, I'm not.' She replied and the other Captain nodded slowly at her. 'I feel sick.'

Rukia brought an arm around her middle, trying to hold herself together. She refused to meet the other concerned gaze but she knew whatever weakness she felt she was displaying that Captain Hitsugaya wouldn't see it that way.

His reiryoku seemed to touch hers, the cold welcoming and Rukia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting herself feel it as he helped to ground her.

'I can't give you an answer that will make everything feel okay,' his cold crisp voice spoke truthfully. 'I feel the situation I went through with Momo was different, but I can at least empathise with the distance and how it got harder over time to return to her.'

Rukia opened her eyes and glanced up at him. Toshiro was looking out the window, his arms folded into the opposite sleeves of his haori. His prominent jawline cut a sharp shadow down his neck and his deep teal eyes vivid with an array of emotions.

'When you and Momo finally spoke again what was it like?' Rukia's voice was above a whisper and he sighed, turning to meet her gaze for the first time.

'I wish I could tell you it was easy,' Captain Hitsugaya said truthfully, 'I wish I could tell you things went right back to where they were but they didn't. Momo is family to me, but after that long… the bonds feel frayed around the edges.'

Rukia nodded slowly, sitting back in her chair. Her stomach twisted again.

'A lot has happened and if it were me,' Captain Hitsugaya jerked his head, 'I'd feel angry and confused. So much has happened to you since then and I know I'd feel hurt that I had to hear of it all through someone else.'

Rukia winced. Captain Hitsugaya wasn't known for being subtle. He'd never dance around the edges of truth to spare feelings but that was why Rukia respected him. She knew she'd get straight, real answers from him.

'Would you want the relationship to be what it was?' he asked.

Rukia wormed her bottom lip into her mouth. There was nothing that she could do to put it back to where it had been, the Captain was right about that. Still Rukia wondered… did she want to be as close to Ichigo as she once was? Rukia thought about him, his silly ginger hair and large hazel eyes. His smile, his fierce need to protect, the way his hand felt in hers, the way he smelled, the way he smiled down at her.

'I don't know,' she sighed.

Captain Hitsugaya seemed to consider her for a while, the two comfortable in their companionable silence.

'Well I should maybe give you the updates. He's been to see Head Captain Kyoraku and he's currently being stationed with Renji in Squad Six. They had debated stationing him with you but… he denied the request.'

The two friends winced at the news and Captain Hitsugaya turned away from her, allowing the privacy for the hurt to flash across her features.

The coiling in her stomach intensified and she did her best to beat it down.

'Did they not request him to come with you?' Rukia asked tentatively. If Ichigo were hanging around squad six, she'd be seeing a lot more of him than if the strawberry blond was stationed with Captain Hitsugaya.

The other Captain snorted and raised a white eyebrow at her.

'What and have both him and Matsumoto interrupting the mountain of paperwork I have? No thank you, it's hard enough already for me to complete my work in peace.'

Rukia chuckled at that and his eyes softened.

Despite what people said, he could be funny when he wanted to be.

'But if you need a place to escape, then Matsumoto and I will be there, should you need to chat.'

Rukia smiled brightly up at him and he nodded his head.

'Good luck Captain Kuchiki, if I hear anymore news I will send my Lieutenant your way,' he straightened up, bowed and swept from the office.

Rukia sat back in her chair and took another deep breath.

The first meeting would happen. It would have to happen eventually. Did she want to try and ignore him here too? Give him the cold shoulder and pretend that their friendship had meant nothing to her or did she want to show some level of enthusiasm for him joining the 13th court guard squad?

Making a decision, Rukia rose to her feet.

She grabbed Sode No Shirayuki and tied the zanpakuto around her waist before sweeping around the desk toward the door.

Sooner was better than later. It was never encouraged to put off the things you dreaded most in the world, it only made them that much more difficult to deal with when they finally came.

Rukia took a deep breath and stepped out into the brilliant sunshine of the Seireitei.

Rukia had always been much better at hiding her emotions than Ichigo. The tall strawberry blond had always worn his heart on his sleeve and even just a glance at his face, Rukia had learned to read every emotion hidden behind those large brown eyes.

It was comforting to know that it hadn't changed, though the emotions she saw twisted her heart in a painful way.

Ichigo had arrived at the Seireitei in a young body, much closer to the age she'd known him in the world of the living, if only a little older. His orange hair was just an inch or so longer than he'd normally kept it, the disarray of spikes brushing past his eyelashes. His jaw wasn't as pointed and angular having had a chance to fill out. His limbs seemed less spindly and awkward, like he'd grown accustomed to the extra height and had broadened out.

When his eyes finally met hers, so many emotions danced across his face. There were too many to read in the few short seconds that his gaze lingered on hers. He was angry, hurt, confused, shocked… but what really upset Rukia was that not one of the emotions seemed positive.

Gripping the hilt of Sode No Shirayuki a little tighter, Rukia walked forward. He tried to fix an impassive look on his face while Renji fidgeted awkwardly beside him.

'I'll see you later Ichigo?' Renji asked, tossing Rukia a warning look before taking his leave. It was now only Ichigo and Rukia left in the grounds and she stopped directly in front of her friend.

'You're a Captain?' he asked, his eyes skimming the rest of her uniform.

'Yes,' Rukia breathed back.

'I didn't know… but then, why would I?' Ichigo's eyes found hers again and the hurt was back in them.

'I'm sorry,' she whispered.

Ichigo snorted and looked away from her, turning his attention to the buildings around him.

'I'm really sorry Ichigo…' Rukia started but he held up a hand and cut her off.

'Not once,' he spoke softly, 'you didn't come and see me once.'

'I was scared,' Rukia kept her voice to a whisper and she saw his brows furrow further in anger.

'Scared of what?' the anger was lacing his voice now, she could hear it shaking as he worked to try and control the rage that had obviously been pent up inside him for years.

'Us,' Rukia hung her head in shame.

Even her hold on Sode No Shirayuki wasn't helping to ground her anymore. The zanpakuto spirit was buzzing nervously in the back of Rukia's mind and it wasn't doing anything to calm her own anxiety at this encounter.

'Us?' Ichigo's face contorted and he took a deep breath. 'That's a loaded word.'

Rukia didn't have a response to that and it seemed that Ichigo was trying his best to beat down several emotions.

'Why were you scared of "us"?' he asked finally.

'Because we wouldn't have worked,' Rukia frowned, waving a hand between them. 'I was dead 100 year old spirit and you were a living sixteen year old kid Ichigo, do you know how wrong that is?'

Ichigo gave a soft chuckle and the noise made Rukia's heart flutter. It was a noise she'd been missing in her life for decades.

'I suppose when you put it like that,' Ichigo shook his head, 'but you still could have come and visited me.'

'You wouldn't have been able to see me,' Rukia replied softly and Ichigo considered her. Perhaps he could read the emotions on her face just as clearly as she could read his? Not being able to be seen by someone who meant so much to you… was heart-breaking in itself.

'You could have come in a Gigai,' he clung on stubbornly.

'No,' Rukia shook her head, 'I didn't want the only contact I had with you to be through a synthetic body made by Captain Kurotsuchi.'

Ichigo flinched at that thought and was silent again. Without realising she was doing it, Rukia had moved forward, closer to him. She stopped when she was within touching distance of him. His eyebrows were a shade darker than his hair and they were pinched together in the middle with his frown. Ichigo now held the appearance of a man in his early to mid-twenties and Rukia had to admit the age looked good on him. He was less scrawny looking, more defined and Rukia couldn't help letting her eyes wander over the way he now filled out his uniform.

His eyes seemed to be carrying out a similar analysis of her Captain uniform and when their gazes met again they both smiled sheepishly at each other.

It wasn't forgiven. Rukia could see it in his eyes, but she could also see understanding there too.

'So,' he glanced around, almost nervously now. They were completely alone, the entire courtyard of her brother's property completely deprived of other souls. 'I'm dead…'

'Yes,' Rukia pursed her lips, trying to hide her amusement because of course death was meant to be a sad moment.

'Does that mean I can ask you out now? It doesn't make me a necrophiliac anymore?' He smiled and though it didn't quite reach all the way to his eyes, Rukia still felt herself melt uselessly at the sight of it.

'I suppose,' she tried to play it cool. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she would have a lot of making up to do, but they could start by trying to revive their friendship.

'How about dinner?' Ichigo asked, 'tonight?'

'Tonight,' she nodded her head and straightened up as her brother emerged from the doorway at the back of the courtyard.

Ichigo followed her gaze and Rukia saw his shoulders stiffen and then he let out a soft sigh.

'I suppose I should be getting back to work,' he said as Byakuya folded his arms and gazed disapprovingly at them.

'I suppose you should,' Rukia smiled, 'you can tell me all about it tonight.'

'Alright midget,' he flashed a dazzling grin that literally stole her breath. Rukia felt her eyes softly in his direction, amazed with just how happy he'd managed to make her in the short amount of time being here.

'See you then idiot,' Rukia grinned back and he chuckled.

Before her brother could send her anymore disapproving glances, Rukia ducked out of the grounds and in the direction of squad ten. There would be no point in heading back to her own squad now, for she'd get very little work done. Instead she needed to speak to Rangiku, the women had always given Rukia some of the very best advice.

It felt like all eyes were on her the moment she stepped into the restaurant. He'd gone with one of the most expensive places to eat in the Seireitei, a place often visited by Captains and Lieutenants only. It seemed every single person in a rank of significance had come to crowd the tiny space, and she had to wonder if Rangiku had let the gossip get all over the Seireitei.

Rukia sighed, it shouldn't have surprised her and was led towards the back of the building. She was thankful that Ichigo had managed to secure them the corner, at least they'd have a bit more privacy to speak there than anywhere else, but she could feel the eyes of the other Lieutenants and seated officers on her as she passed. Ichigo was sitting at the table but stood the moment he saw her and pulled her chair out for her.

They were falling back into sync with each other, like the feeling of your heart being out of rhythm, palpitating in your chest before settling down.

Ichigo leaned over the side of her chair, close to her face and breathed in her ear.

'You look amazing.'

The words caused an involuntary shudder down her spine, heat pooling deep in her abdomen and she cursed her own weakness. How could Rukia still have so much desire for him, after all this time? Her violet eyes watched him as he made his way back to his seat. He was wearing a plain white shirt with the top two buttons undone and black slacks. The look was very simple but also incredibly flattering on him. Rukia had been dressed by Rangiku, though she'd put her foot down several times along with Captain Hitsugaya and so sat in a long purple dress that matched her eyes, a green scarf, thick black leggings and black boots with silver buckles.

It had been a compromise. Rukia had not been allowed to wear her leather jacket to match her boots. Apparently, you needed a Harley Davidson to pull that look off.

There was already a bottle of wine on the table and Ichigo poured her some, passing the glass over to her. Rukia took it with a soft smile.

'You weren't old enough to drink back then,' she reminisced.

'But that didn't stop up,' Ichigo's reply was exactly what she'd been expecting, and she hid her grin behind her glass as he raised his own.

Ichigo made a morbid toast to "being dead" and they touched their glasses softly before drinking. Rukia decided to take Rangiku's other advice and took several long deep gulps from the glass. The liquor would help settle some of her nerves and allow her to talk more freely.

'So,' Rukia said, when she finally lowered her glass, 'how was your life?'

It was another very loaded question, she could see it in his eyes, the way he didn't meet her gaze but continued to stare at the glass in his hand that he idly started to thumb.

'Well,' Ichigo started with a soft sigh, 'it was a life. It was long, what specifically do you want to know?'

'It wasn't as long as it was meant to be though?' Rukia asked. According to the reports Ichigo had been in his early 40's when he passed away.

'True,' Ichigo said, still not meeting her gaze, 'I didn't marry, I became a doctor, I helped people at the clinic then I died.'

'How did you die?' Rukia asked, sensing something underlying prickling at her skin.

'Everyone dies,' Ichigo rolled his eyes, 'but I want to know about you. When did you become Captain? When did you even become a Lieutenant?' he asked.

Rukia knew Ichigo well enough to notice a deflection in his speech. She narrowed her eyes at him, but his jaw was set, his teeth clenched and knew that she wasn't getting anything out of him until he was ready to talk. Perhaps she'd been insensitive to ask so quickly about his death, the topic was hardly a comforting one.

'I became Lieutenant ten years ago, then was made Captain shortly after Ukitake passed away, that was five years ago…' Rukia was aware her voice gave away exactly how she felt about the situation so there was no need for him to ask. She started when she felt his hand on hers. Ichigo had leaned across the table, his knuckles covering hers, his hand twice the size and his skin rough. Rukia smiled down at the darker hairs she could barely see against his olive skin. The movement was comforting, and she brought her left hand over his.

When their eyes met, there was deep emotion hidden behind his brown eyes.

'I missed this,' Ichigo said his head nodding to where their hands were clasped.

'You missed holding hands?' Rukia asked, a playful edge to her voice, 'you must have been deprived.'

It worked. Ichigo's face scowled before an angry red flush began to climb up his neck and creep along his high cheekbones.

'I'm sorry,' Rukia giggled as he tried to take his hand back, 'I'm really sorry Ichigo, it was a joke-'

She hadn't meant to upset him but she realised that she had. A joke like that back in the world of the living would have earned her a punch in the arm, but things were different now, things had changed. He glared at her and she blinked in surprise at how quick his embarrassment had turned to rage.

'And I suppose you haven't?' he asked.

'Haven't what?' Rukia asked, confused, having already forgotten the discussion in favour of teasing him.

'Haven't been deprived?'

It took her a moment to work out exactly what he was asking. Her brows furrowed and she had to think hard. Ichigo was asking… was asking if she'd been intimate with someone else?

'Never mind,' he said quickly shaking his head, his hand falling onto his own lap, 'I don't want to know.'

'Ichigo…' Rukia tried to reach back over the table for him but he just angrily shook his head and glanced out of the window to his right. It was then that Rukia spotted them.

Tears were gathering in the bottom of his eyes, shining in the dim restaurant light.

'Ichigo…' Rukia tried again but he just shook his head. She'd never seen him cry before. She'd seen him upset and angry and scared out of his mind. Rukia would take any one of those emotions over what she was seeing right now.

The first course arrived of the set menu and it gave them reason not to talk for a while as they picked at the food. Rukia studied his face while he refused to look at her, the water in his eyes never shed but diminished as he got a handle on the emotions that were waging inside.

Rukia wanted to tell him that there had been no one else for her, but she wasn't sure if that would make things better or worse?

'What happened to Ukitake?' Ichigo asked, poking at his dumpling with his chopstick.

'Finally succumbed to his illness,' Rukia said and Ichigo grimaced.

'That must have been tough for you,' he replied.

'It was tough for the whole division, but it was Kyoraku I felt sorry for the most,' Rukia sighed and quickly caught Ichigo up on the political side of the Seireitei. Yamamoto had invited the Visoreds back to their respected posts, how they'd refused, how there had been a number of Captain and Lieutenant reshuffles which lead them onto the topic of Ichigo.

'I've been asked to become a Captain,' Ichigo said and Rukia blinked in surprise.

'Right away?' she asked, the shock evident in her voice.

'Not right away,' he shook his head, 'Renji has been offered to take over the third division, I'm going to be working with him for a while, learning the ropes from him and Izuru before I step in to take over a division.'

'Ichigo that's amazing,' Rukia said. She knew that this made sense of course given that Ichigo already had such high spiritual energy. 'Did all your powers return when you died?' she asked.

'Mostly, Zangetsu returned to me the first day I got here, we're working through things slowly. There's still a lot I need to learn apparently but I remember everything. It's all come back to me, as easy as if it had never left.'

'Well that's good,' Rukia smiled, 'I didn't want to have to kick your ass again.'

Ichigo finally met her eyes again, his smile blinding against his slightly darker skin.

'Those were some of the happiest days of my life,' he said it so wistfully like everything since had been of little importance. Once again Rukia felt the horrible twisting sensation in her stomach that there was some deeper meaning to his words. He glanced away once more, and she felt a stab through her chest.

'Ichigo, please look at me.'

He sighed, but eventually that deep brown gaze was back on her eyes.

'I'm sorry,' Rukia said and she tried to make it sound as genuine as possible, 'I honestly thought I was doing you a favour. Disappearing from your life meant you could move on.'

'I didn't want to,' Ichigo scowled at her.

'I know that now,' Rukia said chewing thoughtfully before taking a mouthful of wine to wash the food down. She found the more wine she had the easier it was to speak her mind. 'I thought you and Orihime would have…'

'Orihime tried,' Ichigo said with a frown, his intense eyes boring into Rukia in a way that made her feel even more guilty than she had moments before. 'But I just…' he shrugged.

'You what?' she asked.

'I held out hope that you'd come back and visit,' Ichigo sighed and then he was laughing, 'I was so stupid. You've been up here not missing me at all, getting on with your work, moving on with your life and I spent my entire life waiting for you.'

Rukia felt like he'd just stabbed her.

Rukia wish he had stabbed her, the pain would have been much easier to deal with than the wash of guilt and shame she felt flowing over her body now.

'Ichigo, I'm sorry-'

'It's fine,' he tried to wave her off, his white teeth worming his lower lip into his mouth as he shook his head, 'it was me who was the idiot.'

'No, I never moved on,' Rukia said, a little louder than she'd intended and when she glanced over her shoulder it was to see several curious glances being fired her way. Rukia took a deep breath and settled down, trying not to think about other people eavesdropping into their conversation.

'When you say you never moved on?' Ichigo asked, his brow twitching up and a frown set on his lips.

'I never,' Rukia jerked her head around the restaurant, 'I never went on dates with anyone else. I moved on with my career yes, but my friendships and- and relationship status never changed.'

Something in him seemed to have relaxed. As if just saying these words a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders and dumped onto the floor.

'How long did it take for you to work out I was taking you on dates?' Ichigo asked taking a generous sip of wine to hide his shy smile.

'Until Rangiku and Nanao pointed it out,' Rukia admitted and he snorted in his drink.

'For someone incredibly astute on the battlefield, you can be incredibly obtuse sometimes Rukia,' Ichigo commented dryly.

Rukia barely resisted giving him the middle finger. Instead she grounded herself by taking a deep breath and glancing quickly back over her shoulder. Everyone seemed to be engaged in their own conversations and less attention was being paid to them now since her outburst earlier.

'Ichigo, I could live a thousand lives and never be able to express how sorry I am,' Rukia said her eyes flashing back to his. 'If I could go back in time, I'd try and do things differently.'

'What would you do differently? You said you didn't want to see me in a gigai,' Ichigo asked.

'True, and I stand by that,' Rukia scowled, 'but I would have come to see you at least.'

'Even if I couldn't see you?' he asked frowning.

'Yeah,' Rukia sighed, 'I don't think it would have been easy for me. It was so difficult when I disappeared from your view for that first time. It was so hard to be reminded of these massive obstacles in between us.'

'Like the fact you were dead?' Ichigo asked, trying to lighten the mood.

'Like the fact I was dead,' Rukia repeated with a slight tick of her lips.

'I don't think that would have worked anyway,' Ichigo said shaking his head, 'I don't think I like the idea of a pretty ghost spying on me when I don't know she's there.'

'I could have left you creepy messaged on your bathroom mirror,' Rukia chuckled.

'I don't think you'd have liked to see what I did in the bathroom,' Ichigo joked back and Rukia recoiled with a laugh.

'Ichigo you pervert,' she snorted, and the humour seemed to break the tension that had been building between them. The mood shattered physically and the twinkle in his eyes were back as he leaned forward on the table, chasing her proximity. Rukia put an elbow on the table and leaned back over it, so they were only two foot away from each other.

'I missed you more than you'll ever know,' he said ducking his head.

'I think I know,' Rukia said with a smirk.

The rest of dinner passed by with them catching up. Ichigo skirted the topic of the later part of his life but was happy to tell Rukia all about his College experiences and the first time he went to a College party and the shenanigans that happened as a result. He owned up to the fact he'd kissed several girls and Rukia had to beat down her jealousy, but despite it, none of the relationships seemed to stick.

They finished their meal and were toward the end of their second bottle of wine when a member of staff came over to advise they were closing the restaurant down for the night.

Like a gentleman Ichigo offered to walk her back to her Captain's lodge, so they gathered their belongings, finished their drinks and left.

The evening walk was exactly what Rukia needed to clear her head of warmth that only alcohol could bring.

'Aren't you cold?' Ichigo asked, shuddering himself and pulling his own jacket tighter around his shoulders. He was eyeing the dress that Rukia was in and she just flashed a smile in his direction that had his steps faltering.

'Ice type zanpakuto baby,' she laughed, feeling Sode No Shirayuki humming contently at the back of her head.

'Of course,' Ichigo rolled his eyes, 'it wasn't like that when you stayed at mine and were cold enough for cuddles some nights.'

Rukia had completely forgotten about that. There had been a few evenings on particularly cold nights where she'd forgo being in his cupboard and slip into the bed beside him. Stealing his warmth for herself.

'Well,' Rukia huffed, 'we can thank Urahara for that can't we?' she scowled and Ichigo sighed.

'Can't say I won't miss it,' he laughed.

'What me staying in your cupboard?' she asked.

'All of it,' Ichigo shrugged and Rukia rolled her eyes.

'When did you become a helpless romantic?' Rukia asked. The alcohol was making her giddy and brave, even though the cold evening air was sobering her.

'I've always been, you've just never noticed before.'

'Touché,' Rukia nodded and stretched her arms above her head until she felt some of her joints pop.

It seemed to be about as much as Ichigo could stand before she was being scooped up into his arms. With an undignified yelp, Rukia tried to punch his chest but her arm just got caught painfully in between them as Ichigo laughed.

'Put me down you idiot,' she scowled. It was a small girl thing, they hated being lifted by people significantly taller than them without prior warning. Ichigo knew this, which was exactly why he'd done it. Rukia remembered the story that Captain Hitsugaya told her when he'd frozen someone for doing exactly that to him, and she barely resisted the urge.

'Feel that?' Ichigo asked, the happiness still evident in his voice.

'The temperature dropping significantly?' she asked with a scowl.

'No,' he laughed, his arms still tight around her waist despite her pushing against his chest. Rukia paused for a second to feel it.

Their reiryoku was prickling around them. Caught completely by surprise, Rukia focused on it. She could feel the little segments of it slotting with his as if tiny microscopic jigsaw pieces were being put together. It wove in and out, then tightened back in a firm hold of its own.

'Oh,' Rukia let out a breath, she'd never felt anything like it before.

'Your reiatsu is reacting to mine,' Ichigo sounded elated by this fact.

'Not technically true,' Rukia rolled her eyes and shoved him a little harsher, 'put me down.'

'And if I say no?' he asked, jiggling her up even further in his arms so that they were wrapped around her thighs instead of her waist.

'Ichigo,' Rukia glared down at him, from this height she was higher up than him and could count his eyelashes due to their proximity.

'What's the weather like up there?' Ichigo asked with a chuckle.

'It's about to start snowing if you don't put me down,' Rukia sighed and started flailing her legs. Ichigo laughed but let her slide down. He kept her securely in his arms as he loosened them enough for her to slide without fully escaping him. The result meant that her body was pressed completely against his and it _did _things to her.

She could feel the heat of his body through his jacket, she could even feel his heartbeat in his chest, the way his arms were a strong iron grip around her core was sending involuntary shivers down her spine.

When her feet finally met the solid earth, she pursed her lips and kept her gaze locked on his eyes. They were darker than they had been back at the restaurant. Either that or it was just the lighting outside making them look darker.

'Okay,' Rukia breathed, the twisting in her stomach was back and something felt like it was trying to claw its way out of her throat.

'Hmm,' Ichigo mumbled and she could feel their reiryoku twisting around them, forcing them together. Who was she to say no?

They met each other at the same time, Ichigo leaning down and Rukia pulling him by his jacket and standing up onto her tip toes to capture his lips. His lips were soft and cold, the perfect temperature for her and as he opened his mouth to gasp, she could taste the wine on his breath. Greedily drinking it in, her tongue dipped inside his mouth and he met it eagerly, a battle for dominance that he didn't stand a chance of winning.

He relinquished the battle without a proper fight but Rukia didn't care. Normally she'd have beaten his ass for giving in so easily, but she had a different plan for how she wanted this night to go.

'I KNEW IT!' a high-pitched female voice called behind them and the two souls broke apart, their reiryoku shattering into fragments around them. Rukia's eyes darted over to the other side of the street where two figures were walking toward them.

'Rangiku?' Rukia flushed quickly, stepping away from Ichigo who took a tentative step toward her, not wanting her to get too far away.

'Forgive me,' Captain Hitsugaya's voice winced, 'I tried to lead her away without a fuss.'

It was very clear the busty Lieutenant had been drinking.

'I knew you two were together,' she slurred as she turned beaming back to her very sober Captain.

'Lieutenant Matsumoto they weren't doing anything,' Captain Hitsugaya said firmly.

'Nuh uh I saw them,' Rangiku waved a perfectly manicured finger in their direction and Rukia hastened to correct her dress which had been crushed from the way Ichigo had lifted her.

'What exactly did you see?' Captain Hitsugaya asked.

'Their reiryoku was everywhere and they were,' Rangiku mimed hugging herself and sent them a very dramatic wink.

'Just because two people are hugging doesn't mean they're together,' Captain Hitsugaya sighed, 'remember when you mistook the spar between fifth seat Ayasegawa and third seat Madarame as them dating?'

Rangiku looked thoughtful and Ichigo looked apprehensive.

'And you told everyone they were dating when it turned out they were fighting? But you didn't know because you were drunk when you saw them?'

'Yeah…' Rangiku seemed more uncertain of herself now and she eyed Ichigo and Rukia as if they should clarify what they'd been doing.

'Well now, let's not get into trouble like that again, let's wish Kurosaki and Captain Kuchiki a pleasant evening and be on our way. Minding our own business.' Captain Hitsugaya folded his arms into the opposite sleeves of his haori.

'You've grown Toshiro,' Ichigo said with a fond smile.

'It's still Captain Hitsugaya,' he commented dryly and Ichigo laughed. 'Let's get you to bed Lieutenant,' Captain Hitsgaya said turning back toward his Lieutenant.

'Bye bye Ichigo! Rukia!' Rangiku said loudly as she was led off by her Captain. Rukia watched them go and let out a breath. It would have been the end of her and Ichigo's existence if Rangiku had told everyone that they'd been kissing that night. She prayed that Captain Hitsugaya managed to convince his Lieutenant that she hadn't seen what she _had_ actually seen.

'Are they two dating?' Ichigo asked watching them walk around the corner at the bottom of the street.

'I don't think so,' Rukia replied blinking dumbly at him.

'They should,' Ichigo shrugged, 'he'd be good for her.'

'I… never thought about it,' Rukia shrugged dismissively. Whatever their relationship, that was between them. 'I always thought he was gay and fancied you.'

Ichigo choked on his saliva and Rukia ran away from him cackling into the night. It had been the exact reaction she'd been aiming for and her laughter didn't die until he caught up with her inside the Captain grounds.

'You cheeky little shit,' Ichigo laughed and Rukia fired him a devilish smirk.

'You're slow Kurosaki, you're out of shape,' she leaned against her door and his eyes glinted in the darkness.

'Hmm, well I can think of one situation where speed is actually frowned upon,' he placed his two hands on either side of her head and trapped her against her door.

'Oh?' Rukia could feel their reiryoku prickling again, 'what situation is that?'

'How about I show you?'

His mouth was back on hers in an instant and Rukia melted uselessly against the door. Thankfully she'd already unlocked it, so it was easily opened, and the two souls stumbled inside. Ichigo kicked the door closed with his foot, and Rukia leapt up into his arms.

The morning light that flitted through her curtains caught the side of her eye. Rukia groaned and tried to turn away from the light, burying her face further into Ichigo's chest. She felt his arms tighten around her and became unsarcastically compliant to his hold once again.

'Good morning,' Ichigo's voice rung around the room and Rukia could feel their reiryoku still woven from their activities the evening before. She realised that this would present a problem because she'd have to inform Byakuya before he met the two of them together in the same space. If Ichigo and Rukia's flirting didn't give away their activities, then their reiryoku most certainly would.

'Good morning,' Rukia mumbled turning and opening a bleary eye to stare up at him. Ichigo's face was composed, but there was a sad edge to his mouth and eyes that she recognised from years of being in his presence. She raised a hand and cupped the side of his cheek, using her thumb to try and smooth the lines away. Ichigo smiled, closing his eyes and turning his head to kiss her hand.

'What's wrong?' Rukia asked, that horrible twisting sensation in her stomach.

'I suppose I should tell you before you find out from someone else,' he grimaced and Rukia felt their reiryoku shatter at the sudden pressure. Her heart was beating harshly against her ribs as her mind seemed to cycle through all the worst possible outcomes. Rukia sat up to get a better look at him, pulling the thin sheet to cover her chest as she did so. Ichigo's eyes took in the sight but he made no comment, simply sighed in a resigned sort of way.

'Rukia I didn't live a good life,' he started and Rukia felt her body relax a little because she was sure wherever this was going, he wasn't breaking up with her.

'I thought you were a doctor?' she asked with a frown.

Ichigo shrugged and let his head flop back into the pillows. Rukia now had a sense that he'd been awake for a while mulling this over.

'Maybe this wasn't a good idea,' he said and Rukia shook her head. She let go of her hold on the sheet covering her torso and pried the arm that had been flung over his face away from him.

'Ichigo,' Rukia breathed his name as softly as she could and his dark brown gaze found hers, 'speak to me please.'

Ichigo sighed, shifting his weight and brought is arm up to wrap around her shoulders. Rukia climbed onto his torso, twisting herself so she was lying across him but with her face turned up so she could see his face.

'Well, it started when I truly accepted that I wasn't going to see anyone again. You, Renji, Toshiro, every damn friend I made here were all lost to me. I'd been seeing a therapist who obviously thought I was delusional, but I laid it out to them like you were dead…'

'Technically true,' Rukia said in a bid to lighten the mood. It worked, the corners of his mouth ticked up and Rukia felt her heart beat solemnly against her ribs.

'Technically true. She encouraged me to move on of course and I felt like I'd started too but then I'd see little reminders… I'd see Yuroichi in cat form who would come to visit. I would see Urahara. Eventually I tried to move on entirely and moved away from Karakura. It didn't help,' Ichigo shook his head and let out a low breath. 'I fell into depression, started drinking…'

Rukia could sense the tension building, she could even see where this discussion was heading, and she closed her eyes and prayed that she was wrong.

'Ultimately, it was the drinking that killed me I think…' Ichigo tapered off.

'You didn't…' Rukia whispered the question into the space, dreading the worst.

'No,' he said quickly, 'I didn't take my own life. My liver shut down and I just,' he shrugged, 'refused treatment.'

'That's basically the same thing,' Rukia said sadly, burying her face into the covers to hide the emotion she could feel threatening to overwhelm her.

Ichigo didn't argue, which meant he somewhat agreed with her statement. Rukia wished he hadn't told her but understood why he'd needed too. Everyone in the 12th division would already know this, likely the Head Captain and Renji and others. He wanted Rukia to hear it from himself instead of someone else but that didn't stop the gut-wrenching pain that it brought.

Rukia buried her face further into his chest and felt the emotions finally spill. Ichigo wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

'I'm sorry,' he said but she shook her head.

'I'm the one who's sorry, I honestly thought I was doing what was best for both of us, I didn't think I'd be hurting you so much.'

'Either way Rukia,' Ichigo shrugged, 'the only way to be back amongst my friends… to be with you was to die.'

'That's so awful,' Rukia clutched at the covers and raised her face to look at him. She could feel the tears spilling down the sides of her cheeks and Ichigo looked blurry as she tried to focus on him. 'Don't you see how bad I am for you, Ichigo that's so messed up.'

'No it's not,' he shrugged, 'I'd have aged as a human, as a soul I will age as slowly as you. Are you saying you'd have wanted to be with me when I was seventy and wrinkly?'

'I shouldn't have been with you at all.' Rukia sat back, pulling the covers with her as she moved to stand up. 'I completely ruined your life the day I came through that wall into your bedroom.'

'No you didn't,' Ichigo moved behind her and she felt his strong arms encircle her from behind, 'you're the only one who has ever been one hundred percent honest with me Rukia. No one else has, not even my father. I was always going to fall into this world given who he was, it was only a matter of time before I found you.'

Rukia felt him nuzzle into her hair but she still couldn't shake the guilt.

'You should have gotten married, you should have had kids,' she breathed.

'Eh, the world was overpopulated anyway,' he shrugged and Rukia turned and punched him as hard as she could on the arm. He flinched back and glared at her while rubbing the spot.

'Don't be an idiot,' Rukia sighed at him, 'don't you see how all of this is my fault?'

'No, I don't. I can see how it was maybe Urahara's fault, or more than likely my father's fault for never telling us who we were or where we came from. I sort of see you as the only saving grace in a world of complete catastrophes actually.'

Rukia flinched at the undeserving compliment, and Ichigo reached out to try and pry her hands off the sheet that she was using to cover herself.

'Come back to bed. Be with me now.' He breathed in her ear but Rukia shook her head.

'I can't, I need time Ichigo, that's a lot to digest.'

She clutched the cover and didn't look back at him as she gathered some things up from the room and made her way through to the bathroom. For good measure, she locked the door. Rukia didn't actually think that Ichigo would come and invade her privacy on purpose, but after last night he might feel a bit more entitled to it and might knock on the door to try and discuss things.

Her brain wasn't up for further discussion though. Her mind was teetering dangerously between that strict numb she'd succumbed too when she was sure she was going to be put to death, and the overwhelming emotions of watching as Ichigo finally lost sight of her.

Rukia bit her lip and showered as quickly as she could, changed into her uniform, and escaped through the window like a coward.

Perhaps it was an overreaction but… her feelings for Ichigo were undeniable at this point. Feeling even a little responsible for his death was more than she could bear and she didn't know how to deal with the emotions.

Rukia touched down at her office and threw the door aside with such force the latch froze and she was unable to close it again. Her hand shook on the wood panel as she gazed at it. Rukia hadn't lost control of her reiatsu in such a long time. She took a few deep gulps of air and tried to push down the tightening in her chest. The thoughts came swimming to surface and she felt like she was drowning in them. She glanced over at her desk where the paperwork was sitting waiting to be finished.

Taking a few strides over to the desk, she threw herself down into the chair, Sode No Shirayuki buzzing uncomfortably at the back of her mind, trying to reach out to her. Rukia shoved the feelings down, picked up the first report and read the first line.

The whole first paragraph she had to force her brain to focus on and then she felt him prickling. Hyorinmaru was approaching, the reiatsu reaching out to cool down her own. When she glanced back up, Captain Hitsugaya was in the doorframe, his deep teal eyes full of concern as he took in the sight of her office door.

'Captain Kuchiki,' he greeted, stepping into the office and unfreezing the door to close it.

Rukia didn't glance back up at him, she kept her eyes on the piece of paper, listening as his feet came further into the office space.

'I didn't mean to disturb you,' he said with a tired sigh. Rukia finally tore her eyes away to glance back at him. His arms were folded into the opposite sleeves of his haori, his slightly darker brows furrowed in confusion and sorrow. 'I just, I felt your reiatsu and thought you could use a friend.'

Before Rukia could compose herself, the emotions that had threatened her all morning broke the surface and within seconds she was gasping for air. The pain was so much worse than being sentenced to death, the pain was so much worse because it was _Ichigo. _She'd been so selfish, knowing how much it would have hurt _her _to go and visit him in a gigai and not bothering once for how he might have been feeling.

Rukia felt like the worst person on the planet.

The frozen reiatsu crashed around her, in a cold hugging embrace and Captain Hitsugaya had crossed the office floor within seconds, pulling her against his chest. Rukia clung to the fabric of his haori, aware of how unprofessional this was but unable to stop herself.

'I'm the reason he died,' Rukia managed to choke out after a few minutes of uncontrollable sobs wrecked her body.

'No you're not,' Captain Hitsugaya said firmly, his arms tightening around her back and one hand resting on her head.

'Yes I am,' she wept.

'No, Kurosaki had a choice as we all have in our lives. When we meet someone we fall madly in love with, do we let them move on or do we hold them back. If you kept seeing Ichigo he would never have had the choice to move on, you gave him that choice, you gave him space to live a human life and his choices are his own.'

'But I could have…' Rukia faltered because she didn't know what she could say.

'Could have what? Kept him guessing when you'd come to visit in a gigai for the rest of his life?' the small Captain asked.

'He was kept waiting anyway,' Rukia shook her head.

'Only because of his choice Rukia,' he replied and Rukia started at the use of her first name. It was so unlike Captain Hitsugaya to use anything but someone's title and surname.

'But I-' she started.

'Keep trying to take the blame for Kurosaki's choices?' Captain Hitsugaya shook his head, stepping back and capturing her face. His fingers were cold against the flushed and heated skin of her cheeks. Rukia took a deep breath, staring up into the vivid eyes framed with thick black lashes. His reiatsu was less suffocating now, but instead was a soothing pressure on her own.

'I could have helped…' Rukia whispered finally.

'At risk of tearing you both apart,' he shook his head, 'no one has a guide for these things Rukia. I believe what you did was right as does Rangiku. If we had been in your shoes we would have done exactly the same. You couldn't have been with him as a human and Kurosaki's own decisions led him here to you now.'

'So, what I just forget and accept it?' Rukia asked pulling her face out of his hands and watching his features turn thoughtful.

'You have to learnt to live with the decisions you made, yes. But you must also decide, will you let the mistakes of a past life haunt what could be a beautiful future?'

Rukia chewed the inside of her lip thoughtfully. She would have to learn to accept what had happened and move on, though a huge part of her would always remind her she was guilty and she wasn't sure she could overcome it.

'We all have to live with regrets Rukia,' the tiny Captain said, 'but we should never let them stop us from being happy. I firmly believe, regardless of what has happened, that Kurosaki and you were made to be together, to find each other.' He shrugged and Rukia couldn't help the chuckle that spilled from her mouth. She wiped the last of her tears on her white sleeve.

'When did you become such a romantic?' Rukia asked.

'Rangiku has had an influence,' he sighed.

'Oh so it's Rangiku now? Not Lieutenant Matsumoto?' Rukia asked with a small smile and watched as his ears turned red.

'I believe we were talking about you, not I,' he huffed.

Rukia chuckled then there was a knock at the door. Captain Hitsugaya stiffened defensively.

'Who is it?' Rukia asked, ready to deny the request because she really didn't need any visitors right now.

'It's Ichigo, Rukia, please can we talk?' his voice was muffled by the door but still caused her heart to leap uselessly into her throat. She met Captain Hitsugaya's eyes and he gave her a small nod. His reiatsu tightened its hold softly, for a few seconds before releasing hers, as one might briefly apply pressure to a friend's hand or shoulder.

'Come in,' Rukia breathed and the door was opened in a second. Ichigo looked like he hadn't even run a comb through his hair let alone take a shower. His dishevelled appearance caused Captain Hitsugaya to frown in judgement before he turned to Rukia.

'Feel free to call if you need me,' he said.

'Thank you Toshiro,' Rukia smiled kindly and the white haired Captain and swept from the room.

'Since when were you two on a first name basis?' Ichigo asked once the final corner of Toshiro's haori had gone from view.

'That was a very recent occurrence,' Rukia replied. She was aware her voice was sad, still punctuated by the gruff decibels of her earlier tears. Ichigo turned to fix his dark brown eyes on her and she watched his expression soften.

'How much does Toshiro know?' he asked and Rukia felt the corners of her mouth twitch a little.

'It's Captain Hitsugaya to you,' she said fondly smiling at him and watched the way his brow ticked in a very obvious _I'll never call him that _manner. 'He knows enough. I think most of the Captains and Lieutenants are aware of the circumstances for which you ended up here.'

Ichigo grimaced but didn't deny it. He clearly knew this himself which was why he'd given Rukia the first-hand account. She hadn't been very grateful for having it dumped on her first thing in the morning.

'I could say over and over again how sorry I am,' Ichigo shrugged, 'but last night I found it very hard to care. Just being here with everyone again, being here with you.' He shrugged his shoulders once again and Rukia sighed in resigned defeat. She stood from her chair and walked around her desk to lean against it, fixing him with a very potent stare.

'I know I didn't have a human life, I came here when I was a baby, you had your choices Ichigo and whether or not I agree with how you used them, I need to respect them.' Rukia took a deep breath, 'I could say over and over again about how sorry I am but none of that will change the past. I've mourned for the life you could have had and I'll never stop living with the guilt.'

Ichigo opened his mouth to protest but shut it firmly when she raised a hand. The Captain was speaking and he held his tongue. Rukia offered him a small smile, despite his blatant lack of respect for most of the thirteen court guard Captains, he respected her, and she appreciated it.

'We now need to look at where we go from here,' she folded her arms into her haori and he watched as she leaned further back on the desk with a slightly greedy expression.

'Well, I'm training to become a Captain,' Ichigo said.

'Which will take a lot of work and a lot of your time,' Rukia replied.

'But I can still take you out on dates?' he asked.

'Only if it doesn't interfere with our workload,' Rukia added.

'I could move in with you?' Ichigo asked boldly.

'That's a very quick assumption,' Rukia replied, her brow raising.

'Says the woman who lived for months in my closet and ended up sharing my bed anyway,' Ichigo rolled his eyes but his smile was fond.

'Point made,' Rukia nodded her head, 'so I will make space for you in my closet.'

Ichigo snorted his laughter and Rukia grinned at him.

She'd missed him. She'd missed this.

Toshiro and Rangiku and Renji were some of her very best friends, but none of them had the same level of witty banter with her that Ichigo did. Ichigo was different, he always had been. Even now the way her reiryoku was prickling back toward his, told her that. Rukia looked at him and his lips were pulled back in a beaming smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes. The way he looked at her was positively adoring, smitten and she rolled her eyes at him.

'Get that smug look off your face Kurosaki you've still got a lot of work to do.'

'Can I bring my paperwork here and do it with you?' he asked bouncing on his feet.

'Fine, but don't turn up to me looking like that,' she nodded to his dishevelled appearance, 'and don't go anywhere near my brother or Renji looking like that either I don't need them asking questions.'

'I'll go and get showered then,' he smiled and walked towards the door.

'And keep in mind,' Rukia called out to him, 'that this will be us working, we're _working_, nothing else.'

Ichigo's smiled reached his eyes again, the little twinkle of mischief back in them.

'Yes I know, Captain,' he replied.

'And Ichigo,' Rukia called once again just before he left. He paused, his hand on the wood frame and cast his eyes back to her. His stupidly attractive face caught the rising sun and made his hair look even more vivid against the dark wood of the office.

'I love you,' Rukia said and his whole body relaxed again, his face lighting up.

'I love you too,' he replied.

Then he too swept from the office.

**Please let me know via comment that you enjoyed this fic :D You don't need an account to leave a review!**

**Also we have a Bleach Fan Fiction writing Discord server, so if you want to come, chat Bleach, share stories of your favourite authors (or even your own) or artwork or ANYTHING then come chat with us all we'd love to have you! Link can be found on my profile! If you have trouble with the link, drop me a PM!**


End file.
